MADA Help support and assistance
--->What is domestic abuse
--->Who is an abuser
--->How common is domestic abuse
--->Recognising domestic abuse
--->Why not leave
--->What help is out there
--->How the Police can help
--->How Solicitors can help
--->How Housing Officers can help
--->How Victim Support can help
--->Money
--->Children
--->Pets
--->Forced Marriage
--->Schemes
--->Leaving
--->24 hour helplines
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is a systematic pattern of controlling behaviour by one person over another within the context of any intimate or close relationship.
+ This power and control can be physical, sexual, psychological or emotional abuse, financial abuse and social isolation.
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The abuse can be actual or threatened and can happen once every so often or on a regular basis.
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It can happen to anyone, and in all kinds of relationships - heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT). People suffer domestic abuse regardless of their social group, class, age, race, disability, sexuality or lifestyle.
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The abuse can begin at any time - in new relationships or after many years spent together.
+ Both women and men can experience abuse by their partners, both male and female.
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All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional, sexual and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control.
There is no single identifiable type of perpetrator of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse happens in all social classes and ethnic groups and cultures. Perpetrators can be of any age or occupation and come from all family backgrounds regardless of sexuality, disability, wealth, geography or lifestyle.
How common is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is grossly underreported but research estimates it:
+ accounts for 16% of all violent crime
+ will affect 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in their lifetime
+ 77% of victims of domestic violence are women
+ has more repeat victims than any other crime (on average there will have been 35 assaults before a victim calls the police)
+ on average, two women are killed every week by a current or former male partner
+ one incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute of every day
(Source: Crime in England and Wales 2006/07 report )
I AM NOT IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I DO NOT GET HIT OR BEATEN.
Are you sure?
Abuse can be defined as 'Any behaviour between intimate partners or family members which makes someone feel uncomfortable' .
For many this may be too broad a definition but recognising signs of abuse at an early stage when the victim may be able to react more effectively may save years of suffering. In healthy relationships, both parties should respect each other and accept each other's values and opinions and not unreasonably impose their own views on the other person. In ACPO (Association of Chief Police Officers) Guidance on Investigating Domestic Violence (2004), f amily members are defined as mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister and grandparents, whether directly or indirectly related, in-laws or step-family. Abuse can take many forms, not just physical violence. Other forms of abuse may include emotional or psychological abuse, sexual violence and abuse, financial control and abuse and the imposition of social isolation or movement deprivation.
You will not be able to detect an abusive person as soon as you meet them. If you did you would never enter into a relationship with them. The abusive controlling behaviour will creep up on you without you realising it, so it is important you can notice the signs and begin to put together a picture so you can do something about it. It is important to tell someone that you trust about your concerns; you may quite easily and quickly decide to seek help. Alternatively you may find the process long and painful as you try and make the relationship work whilst struggling against the practical and emotional reasons for remaining in the relationship. Friends and family may only see one side of the person you live with.
'To his family and friends he was attentive, caring and the life and soul of the party. Everyone thought what a wonderful chap he was. But alone I endured weeks of silence, real silence, not a single word from day to day. If we went out with friends, in their company he would again be this chatty, caring attentive person and I would be lulled into thinking everything was OK again, but as soon as we got in the car to come home, I immediately realised it had all been a show'.
There may be a number of reasons why it is difficult to leave an abusive relationship, not least because the victim ‘loves' their partner and believes that they won't do it again. For many, it is inconceivable to understand why someone would want to stay in a relationship where there is no equity and power and control lies with one party.
If the abuse were as clear cut as a punch in the face on a first date then it is true that the vast majority of people would walk away and not become emotionally involved. However, emotional and psychological abuse nearly always precedes the physical violence and is far more subtle. The victim may not even realise they are in an abusive relationship. This may be because they have never experienced a loving, caring relationship where both parties accept and respect each other and their values and do not strive to have control over their partner. It may also be because the abuse is so subtle that it is only by seeing the complete picture that behaviour which others see as caring and loving is recognised as abusive when a pattern emerges.
In training sessions on identifying domestic abuse examples often emerge of the perpetrator who always insists on meeting their partner after an evening out or accompanying them to the GP for example. Events such as these, taken in isolation, can be totally innocent and caring, but when seen as part of a systematic pattern of a perpetrator monitoring every move of the victim (emails, phone calls, mileage on the car, money spent etc) and wanting to know every detail, they may indicate abuse.
The issue of staying or leaving is a very complex choice for each individual and will depend on your particular circumstances. There may be a number of other things making this decision difficult, including:
+ feeling ashamed about what has happened and feel it is your fault, even though you are NOT to blame
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being frightened of more abuse if you try to leave
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being scared about the future – where will you go, what will you do about money etc
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being worried about upsetting the children
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being scared of being alone and of leaving behind your friends and family
You may need to look at some of these things in more detail to help you decide what is the best and safest course of action. The point of separation is sometimes the most dangerous time. Never be afraid to ask for help and in an emergency always dial 999.
How can the refuge and Outreach Services help?
Refuges offer information and support for women (both with and without children) who are experiencing domestic violence. The services they can provide include:
+ temporary and safe refuge accommodation for women and children
+ information and support over the phone and/or face to face for women not living in the refuge
+ information and support with the police, housing, benefit claims and solicitors etc.
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referral to another refuge or another place of safety when the refuge is full or if you need to be away from your local area for safety reasons.
Outreach provides
+ a confidential helpline, information and support
+ face-to-face ongoing support
+ support groups.
The police take domestic abuse seriously. An attack in your own home is just as serious as an attack in the street by a stranger. Call the police if you feel threatened in any way. Do not be afraid to dial 999 and get help as quickly as possible.
+ The police will make every effort to:
+ interview you safely and away from the person who is harming you
+ only leave you when they believe you are not in any more danger at that time
+ contact the refuge and transport you there if necessary
+ arrange any medical assistance if you need it
+ provide you with information of your local support services
+ give you the telephone number of your local Domestic Violence Officer
+
keep you informed if the offender is arrested.
If you need to return home in order to collect any clothing etc. the police can be there to ensure that you are not harmed whilst doing so. The police will always respond to domestic violence incidents no matter how often they are called, regardless of where the attack happens and whether or not charges are pursued at that time or on a previous occasion.
Your local Domestic Violence officer is there to:
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advise you about your personal safety and prevent further offences happening to you
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provide support for any problems or worries
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coordinate help from other agencies if you choose
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ensure you are informed about criminal proceedings and any changes in bail conditions
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support you if you need to attend court
You can speak in confidence to the domestic violence officer even if you do not wish for any official police involvement.
If you don't feel ready to involve the police, it is possible to get help through the civil courts.
Remember:
+ consider seeking legal advice about your options
+ a solicitor or the Citizen's Advice Bureau will be able to help you
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any concerns about your immigration status can be dealt with by the Joint Council for the Welfare of Immigrants
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if you are experiencing domestic violence you may be entitled to public funding
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nearly all solicitors now offer a free half hour appointment and will advise you of your rights and options
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the Family Law Act makes it easier and quicker to get civil injunctions* to protect you and your children
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your address can be kept secret.
(* Injunctions are orders that forbid another person from using or threatening violence or harassing and intimidating you).
How can Housing Officers help?
If you are experiencing violence in your home your local council's housing office will provide you with support and advice about what you can do. They may also have a duty to provide you with temporary accommodation.
Where possible it is advisable to contact your local council housing office in advance so that an appointment can be made if necessary. If you need to leave your home immediately all local councils have an emergency service that can be provided the same day.
The support and advice available to you from your local council will include the following:
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a list of solicitors who can provide practical legal advice
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a list of agents and landlords who have privately rented accommodation in the area
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information on how to apply for permanent social housing in the area
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information on any further council provision available to you, such as temporary accommodation.
The emergency service available from the council during the day is also available evenings and weekends on an emergency telephone line. This number can be obtained by calling the standard telephone number for the council.
Victim support is here to help you regain control over your life. Services which victim support can offer include:
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emotional & practical support
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information & advice about your options and about other agencies which can help
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company and support when going to court (including a safe and private place to wait beforehand and afterwards)
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information on crime prevention and personal safety
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information on access to long term counselling
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information and support about the criminal justice system
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help in applying for Criminal Injuries compensation.
Whether you decide to leave or your partner leaves, you will need to know about getting access to money.
Money for travel:
If you need help with travel to a safe place for you and your children, Social Services might be able to provide you with a travel warrant. Otherwise, you can apply to the local Department of Social Security for a crisis loan, which you will have to pay back.
You can apply for a crisis loan whether or not you are already receiving Income Support.
Money for living:
If you are not working, you should apply for Income Support for you and your children as soon as possible. If you have no dependant children you will probably have to apply for Job Seekers Allowance at your local Job Centre. In either case, if you have no money at all, you might be able to get a crisis loan to pay for food etc.
If you are entitled to Income Support you will probably also be able to get help with paying your rent and your council tax.
If you own your own home, you might be able to get some help with paying your mortgage interest, but this will probably not take effect immediately.
If you need to check out anything about money or benefits, then contact the local Citizen's Advice Bureau, Women's Aid Support Services or Welfare Rights Unit.
Children are affected in different ways by living with domestic violence. You may be frightened to approach anyone for help because often the abuser will have told you that if you do this the children will be taken away. Your children will not be removed for this reason. Agencies have a duty to ensure that children are safe and they should support you in protecting your children.
How can my children's school help?
The head teacher, year head or tutor in your child's school needs to know there are difficulties at home so that the school can support your child/children in whatever way is needed.
You can expect confidentiality from the school and readiness to contact you with any concerns that they have about your child's attendance/behaviour/achievements. They have your child's best interests as their concern, and school may well be a safe haven for children at times of family disruption and difficulty.
There is growing recognition that domestic violence and abuse is not acceptable. There are many agencies within your area that are there to help you live free from abuse.
What about pets?
Temporary Fostering of Pets
For many people who leave violent relationships, the options open to them regarding their pets are very limited particularly as refuges are usually unable to accommodate animals. This inevitably causes further distress and trauma for the family especially where children are involved. The Links Group is a multi-agency interest group that promotes the welfare and safety of vulnerable children, animals and adults so that they are free from violence and abuse. As part of The Links Group, some charities offer pet fostering services specifically for pets belonging to families fleeing from domestic abuse. The services listed ensure pets are cared for in a volunteer foster carer's home until their owner is able to be reunited with them. All placements are strictly confidential.
Forced Marriage
What is a forced marriage?
In a forced marriage you are coerced into marrying someone against your will. You may be physically threatened or emotionally blackmailed to do so. It is an abuse of human rights and cannot be justified on any religious or cultural basis.
It’s not the same as an arranged marriage where you have a choice as to whether to accept the arrangement or not. The tradition of arranged marriages has operated successfully within many communities and countries for a very long time.
For more information see the leaflet produced by the Forced Marriage Unit (FMU www.fco.gov.uk/forcedmarriage)
‘What is a forced marriage?’ (PDF)
I’m frightened I might be forced into marriage during a family visit overseas, what should I do?
Call the FMU on 020 7008 0151 before you go.
And you should think about whether you really want to go. Once you’re there you may:
+ be isolated
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face emotional pressure
+
be watched all the time
+
have no money
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not have your passport or ticket
+ be a long way from a telephone
If you still decide to go you should make sure you leave the following with a trusted friend:
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full address and telephone number of where you are going to stay abroad
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your passport details
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all your flight details (there and back)
Find out where the nearest embassy is – there are details of embassies throughout the world on the British and Foreign Commonwealth Office website www.fco.gov.uk - and keep the phone number with you at all times.
If you can, take some money with you.
My sister/ cousin /friend has not returned from a visit overseas and I’m worried she might have been forced into marriage, what should I do?
Contact the FMU on 020 7008 0151. Try to provide as many details as you can such as:
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where the person has gone
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when they were due back
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when you last heard from them
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the FMU will contact the relevant embassy on your behalf and they will then try to make contact with the person.
I was forced into a marriage overseas, can my spouse be refused a visa to come here?
The FMU may be able to but you must be willing to state publicly that you do not want your spouse to join you in the UK. Call the FMU on 020 7008 0151 and they will advise you on what you can do.
If you have been forced into marriage the Survivor’s Handbook provided by the FMU will offer you some advice and help you plan for the future.
Supporting the campaign celebrated author and actress Meera Syal said:
"This is an extremely important campaign for all members of the community - young and old. For young people, they need to know that there is help out there and that it is okay to ask for help. And we want the older generations to know that we respect their culture, tradition and we understand that arranged marriages have a place in society. But there is a vast difference between an arranged and a forced marriage consent."
Former Eastenders star Ameet Chana continued:
"I, probably like most people believed that only women were affected and forced into marriage, but I was amazed to find that 15% of the cases that are currently reported to the Unit are men...and I bet that the numbers are far greater, but it's hard for men to come forward and admit they need help and are being forced into a situation like this. This campaign is key to reassuring them that they are not alone and help is available."
The Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) is dedicated to preventing British nationals being forced into marriage overseas. If you are worried that you might be forced into a marriage or are worried about someone else who may you should contact them on:
020 7008 0151 (or 0044 20 7008 0151 if you are overseas)
They’ll need to talk to you on the phone to work out a plan of action. Their caseworkers deal with around 400 cases a year and are fully trained to deal with the emotional, cultural and social issues surrounding forced marriage.
Anything you tell them will be treated with complete confidentiality.
M.A.L.E. (Men's Advice Line)
Devon MALE started in March 2003 as a pilot project with an initial twelve month funding stream from Devon County Council.
The project started with very modest objectives:
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To offer a range of support, information & counseling services to men who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence and abuse from intimate partners
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To provide a telephone advice line for a minimum of 28 hours per week
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To provide face to face outreach work
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To liaise with other relevant service providers from the statutory and voluntary sectors
The projects aims have been:
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To safeguard and support men who are experiencing domestic violence and abuse at the hands of an intimate partner, regardless of age, ethnicity or sexuality
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To raise awareness about male victimisation
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To develop a county-wide resource
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To conduct on-going research both in terms of existing provision and prevalence/severity/context of abuse
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To contribute to the understanding of male victims of domestic violence and abuse, both locally( Devon ) and nationally
Men do experience physical and emotional abuse, may be financially controlled and have their children used as part of the abuse against them. We also know that when children are caught up in the cycle of abuse they experience harm.
Men who experience abuse from female partners can feel angry, ashamed, depressed, humiliated, helpless, isolated and in some cases, fear.
Some men may find themselves homeless, experience mental ill-health, drop out of work or lose their job, or have reduced contact with their children.
We also know from research that gay, bi & trans men experience domestic violence and abuse at similar levels to heterosexual women ie 1 in 4 within their lifetime.
Men experiencing domestic violence and abuse often want legal advice, emotional support and/or counseling, parenting support and information and help and guidance in finding and securing alternative accommodation. Many also feel overwhelmed with the whole Family Court system and many of those who have already have a solicitor often simply want information as to how the 'system' works and what will happen in a court case- particularly around the issue of contact and residence of children.
It is hard for any man or woman to leave a violent and abusive partner for multiple reasons, both practical and emotional. Issues such as work, children, finances, humiliation, shame and fear. Some 20% of all reports to Devon & Cornwall Constabulary are from men reporting as victims and this number is similar with men reporting to the Metropolitan Police. What data does not show is how many incidents men experience before they report. More work is required to why and when men seek help and also what was the response by the police. Currently the response is not as uniform and consistent as it perhaps should be.
There are a wide range of statutory and voluntary organizations across the country which men can access for limited help and support - Police, Social Services inc Vulnerable Adults & mental Health teams, Housing departments, G.P.s, Victim Support, Shelter, CABs, solicitors, Samaritans as well as more specialized services such as Sure Start, alcohol and drugs projects etc. What is lacking is a wide network of specialist services that exist specifically for men that are staffed by trained workers.
MALE also receives many calls from professionals who want information, advice and assistance in their approach to supporting or working with individual male victims. Consequently Scottish Women's Aid, the National Domestic Violence Helpline, Victim Support, Terence Higgins Trust, GMFA, various hospitals, NHS Direct, Portsmouth Naval Welfare Support Services, numerous Police Domestic Violence Units across the country, Refuge, Relate, Citizen's Advice Bureaux, psychiatrists and community mental health teams and others now have details of the project on record and pass on details to their individual service users where appropriate.
Further information on regional services and support can be found on the following websites:
www.refuge.org.uk
or see the links pages
If you decide you want to leave....
The following is a checklist of what to take if you decide to leave:
+ Money. If possible, have some money saved in case you need to use a taxi or bus. Take your credit cards, cheques, saving and giro books and current and unpaid bills. If you don't have a mobile, find somewhere you can quickly and safely use the phone should you need to.
+ Take important documents such as your marriage and birth certificate, any court orders, passport, benefit and bank books, and health records. Also remember to take the child benefit book and other legal and financial papers you may have.
+ Keys. Take any keys you have or if there is time have an extra set made of house, car and office keys before you leave.
+ Emergency addresses and contact numbers . School, GP, friends and family phone numbers and numbers of relevant domestic abuse agencies.
+ Have a small bag already packed with an extra set of keys for the house and car should you need to leave in an emergency. You may prefer leaving this with a trusted friend.
+ Take essential medicines that you and your children need.
+ Toys. Sometimes it is difficult to carry much but your children may be confused and upset and a special toy or comforter may help them.
+ If you later discover that you have left something essential behind, you can always arrange for a police escort so that you can return for it.
24 hour helplines
National Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 For women experiencing domestic abuse
M.A.L.E. 0808 8010 327 For men experiencing domestic abuse
NHS Direct 0845 4647 For anyone physically unwell
Samaritans 08457 909090 For emotional support in a crisis
Childline 0800 1111 For children/young people in distress
NSPCC 0808 800 5000 For anyone concerned about a child
Parentline 0808 800 2222 For anyone caring for a child
Shelterline 0808 800 4444 National Housing Advice Line
IN AN EMERGENCY ALWAYS DIAL 999